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There are so many things I want to write about. I struggle so hard to pick one. But I shall start somewhere. if anything, just to release my mind of anything.

So here goes anything:

One thing follows the next. So perfectly, it’s like you designed it. You made my life so perfect in ways I could never imagine. Or begin to imagine. So perhaps I should stop imagining. Perhaps I should only move forwards and draw connect the dots in hindsight. But it is so fun to think about what you have planned next. The next adventure. The next realisation. What is in store never disappoints.

What is so beautiful about my life is that any low is manageable because I know how beautiful life can be. I know the beauty truly has no bounds. Imagine living life never knowing how amazing it can be. Never even allowing yourself to explore how beautiful it can be. How dull. How dreadful. How unfortunate.

When you boast about how it was wrong for you and you are so glad you did not make that decision. I feel sorry for you. I really shouldn’t say this. But I do. Because I love you. And you will never get to experience how truly intelligent and strong you are.

Because baby, true intelligence is generalisable. Play it safe. You can. But by playing it safe. You are really risking it all. Risking your one short life.

I tried to convince A of this once upon a time. The conversation did not go well. He did not understand. But I’m sure he sure as hell thinks about it now and then. Wondering what could’ve been. I’ll never need to know. Because what passed me, I tried my hardest to grab. But even when I try my hardest, god always knows better. Bleh, I hate that I have to use the word god. But I don’t know what else to use.

I am often lucky. But I am often unlucky as well.

Never forget to thank everyone. if not for you. For them. For helping you see the way. To decipher all the mysteries of the world. Without a single rock left unturned.

You are finally able to see people again. See their soul. Their talent. Their light. Slowly but surely. It is coming back.

C, you guided me to see the good in people. But somehow, along the way, you forgot how to do so yourself. Or forgot why it mattered. You are special. It hurts me to see you hurt yourself. To let T dull your happiness. Your joy.

Your dad was right. You shouldn’t chase the shiny things in life. but baby, you don’t even know what it means to shine. You don’t know the beautiful baseline you can create for yourself. Don’t let your baseline level of happiness steep to the level of T. She is good. I can see. In some way, I am sure she is. But I always had a bad feeling. I don’t want to steer you away from people who love you and care about you. But sometimes, I do wonder how best to guide you. Or maybe it is best not to guide at all. Perhaps if I did, it would be hypocritical of me. It certainly would be. Just like L, you’ll figure it out. But you’re taking a while. Perhaps too long. I hope not. I would like to believe not. But sometimes, when you are too close, it is hard to see clearly. So perhaps it is right to take a step back.

At least for a moment. At least to be sure.

I love you. I miss you. But one cannot miss what no longer exists. The only thing you can do is treasure the time and happiness you felt together. That is why allowing yourself to experience happiness in the moment is so important. You never know when someone, something, anything, will slip out of your grasp.

Life is not about holding on. Because there is no such thing as holding on. If you hold on, you are holding onto something that no longer exists. You are holding onto a different thing. So really, you are not holding on at all. Precisely the opposite you see. People change. For better or for worse. You may never know yourself. You change. For better or for worse. But either way, you must trust yourself. Because in life, any other choice is truly just an illusion.

If you really want something to hold onto. Hold onto what you believe in. Hold onto what you know is right. Follow that. And you’ll never have to left go. Not if you choose, anyway.

You can never lose the things that really matter. But you can let them go. And when you do, there is no one to blame but you.