Letter I couldn’t send

Figuring out when something is still worth doing and when it is not, is something I am working on (and have definitely struggled a lot with in the past and need help navigating), so I appreciate your guidance on knowing which signals to take. I still need to remember to take a breather and take what is in front of me to the finish line. I sometimes still mix up the signals of where next to go with feeling like I need to go there now (it's much better than before now, but still, I am not sure what the root cause of this flaw is) and it is a flaw I am actively aware of, which is why I still said, even when I was doubting, that if you think I still need to do it I will do it. And then I realised myself I needed and wanted to do it. I am learning which signals in my head on this issue are rational and which are not. And this has been very helpful in that process. Thank you.

Sometimes I rationalise these thoughts by saying that they are what has allowed me to be where I am now and make the changes and turns I have. But sometimes, I am not so sure anymore. And especially now that I am doing what I know I actually want to do, I cannot take those chances anymore.

Am I impatient? Am I impulsive? Or am I figuring it out? I don’t know. I know that sometimes it is necessary, so is it an inherent flaw? I guess, like everything else, it is a balance. And I am on my way.

I need to write here more, rather than send messages to people. Sometimes I don’t know what I need to say to others and what I need to say to myself. I don’t know. How do I straddle this line? Is it this hard for everyone? Have I been slow? I guess I’ll never know.

But I do know I want to write here more. I like the idea that someone might be reading this. But I fear the idea that anyone would know I am writing this. But that is what makes it beautiful almost. I don’t know.

I am figuring it out. I am who I am. I am different. A little bit impulsive sometimes. A little bit chaotic. But maybe that is okay. Maybe what I am really committed on will work out. And I will stop risking everything for nothing. Maybe it is self-sabotage. And maybe I will stop doing it.

This is a big lesson. You’ve taught me it. And I trust you. Even if the process of me learning makes me trust you less. I guess this is just my path and my way. And there is none other than my own.

I will be okay. I know I will be okay in the end.

No one person an truly understand me. And I cannot expect them to. But I do need to expect myself to understand myself. That is all I can control. And maybe understanding myself is harder than other people understanding themselves. Maybe they have more guidance. Maybe they have more stability. Whatever it is. This is my life. And I have to live it. And it will work out. Because I choose to make it work out.

It’ll be okay. I will be okay. I don’t know how much to stress. How much to work. For things to be perfect. But they don’t have to be perfect. I need to try to make them perfect. But they do need to be done. And that is the right thing to do. And that is what will make me happy. I need to remember that. It doesn’t have to be painful. And it isn’t. It is the narrative I am telling myself about it being painful that is truly what is painful.

I need to stop stopping myself. I need to stop hoping someone is listening. I’m listening. And that is enough.