To Lisbon Boy.

I don’t think this about me, but about the idea of a relationship. You haven’t been in one before. Perhaps you just want to be with someone. And I don’t think that someone is really me. You’ll find someone who is right for you. I’m glad to have been the one you had your first experience with. And I feel really lucky to have been that person. 

But being in love or liking someone is not enough for a relationship to work. There are some things that will come in our way, and it’ll be easy to call it quits when it feels like a first try rather than the end game. And I can’t risk you coming to that conclusion. 

I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know if you just want me in your life to fill a space. I cannot complete your life, and you need to find other things that make you feel fulfilled. I cannot bear the weight of someone’s happiness because I’ll inevitably fail. 

And your willingness to try will fade. When things get hard. I cannot be your life. You cannot be willing to change your life for me. I need to naturally be a part of the rest of path you’ve charted for yourself. You need to find the place and path in the world which will give you meaning and make the most out of your potential. If naturally that fits our lives together, if me being in your life supports that path, it’ll work. But I cannot be the path. I can only come as a natural companion in that bigger picture. You need to find that bigger picture for yourself. And I’m not sure you have. 

—

But yesterday I said I’d try. Yesterday, I said I’d regret it if I didn’t. But today, I don’t know anymore. Maybe tomorrow I won’t know either. Maybe it’s not that I don’t trust you. Maybe it’s that I don’t trust myself.